Arming myself

This morning I got up late. I didn't have to be up early; I didn't have to go to work. 


I put on my wedding ring and my engagement ring (I don't usually wear them; they're a lot looser since I've lost 20 kg and I'm afraid that one day, while I'm changing my gloves in the lab, they'll flick off and I'll lose them and that will be that). I put on my calf length black boots under my jeans (I usually run around in sneakers, forget heels!). I added a smart stripy jumper and my thick black Gap coat (no t-shirts and hoodies today!). Then I pinned on my favourite red wooden bird brooch and added a pair of small silver earrings, made by a jewellery student who is friends with my sister-in-law.


I took a deep breath and ran for the tram to meet One at his work by 9:30.


Compared to what I'd been dreading in the lead-up to the appointments today ("YOU ARE NOT SUITABLE PARENTS," in the counselling appointment, "THIS WILL COST ELEVENTY-BILLION DOLLARS" in the accounts appointment, and "YOU MUST HAVE FIVE PAINFUL INJECTIONS PER DAY AND LOSE ANOTHER 20 KILOS BEFORE WE WILL EVEN MAYBE CONSIDER YOU," in the nursing appointment), it was actually a breeze.


It will be a little more expensive than One was expecting (me? Well, it was an awful lot less than eleventy billion dollars, so I'm good!), I gave myself a practice needlestick in the belly in the nursing appointment (and you know what? It didn't hurt at all - says hypocrite me, with five tattoos and seven piercings), and the counsellor was a little amazed that we had done so much research and were so prepared - especially that we were so prepared for the actual, real statistics. Huh.


Then One and I went out into the sunshine and birds sang and there was a rainbow and all was right with the - okay, okay. We went out into the grey, cold Melbourne morning, and caught a tram back to the city. He bought me lunch - a baguette with roast beef and mustard - and we sat in the watery winter sunshine on the steps in Fed Square.


He went back to work; I had a coffee and a slice of ricotta and sultana cheesecake at Brunetti's. 


Now I'm at home, feeling more at peace and relaxed than I have in a long while.


PS. I told my boss that One and I were trying IUI (so that I could have today off), and he laughed. He is ridiculously excited for me - he kept telling me how wonderful he thinks it is and how happy he is, and what good parents we will make. It was honestly a little surreal, as I was imagining that he was not actually going to be all that pleased and possibly have a little emergency buzzer labeled with "MATERNITY LEAVE" that he might hit...

The prodigal returns

Blogging has been the last thing on my mind in the past few weeks, but I think I need to spill all the crazy in my head out so that at least  I might be able to get some sleep tonight. (I worry. That's my problem. The things I am worrying about now are things that I have been worrying about for the last five years, because not only do I worry about the problems I face right. now., I also worry about the problems that I might face five years in the future. Because why worry about one or two things when you can worry about everything, right?).

So.

One and I are looking for a house to buy. Awesome, right? Well, yes, except for a few things. We'd like to stay in the western/northern suburbs of Melbourne. I don't want to move to Taylor's Lakes. One does. His argument has merit, I admit - we can get the space we're looking for out there, if not the lifestyle.

I want to stay in the line of suburbs we're living in at the moment - kind of a line from Airport West down to Newport-ish. Except our budget in this area will stretch to an unrenovated 3 x 1, or a renovated 2 x1. One is not interested in renovating (majorly), and while I would be keen, I have to grudgingly admit that I have absolutely no talents in that area at all. Except maybe in the knocking down before rebuilding step. 

After a frustrating day last Saturday of frantically driving between home opens in Taylor's Lakes, Footscray, Coburg North and Airport West, which topped off a ridiculous six months of pre-buying internet searching, I reluctantly came to the conclusion that One was right, we are not going to be able to afford the space to raise out family the way we'd like to (that is, if we manage to ever have a family - more later) with our current budget in the area we'd like to live in.

I thought I was defeated and I was going to have to move to Taylor's Lakes or - shudder - Doreen - when One came home and said one of the guys he worked with had recently built a home in Point Cook, but has wished he could afford to build in Williams Landing as there was a train station going in there at the moment to be completed by the end of the year.

Huh. One  of our (major, deal-breaking) requirements is that our house be close to reliable (well, as reliable as it gets in Melbourne anyway) public transport. 

We started investigating, and trying to work out if the loan we have pre-approval for will cover building... apparently yes, yes it will.

Without having seen the estate and having been quoted the price of one block over the phone, and doing some hasty internet research, we are pretty sure that building a place will fall into our budget (just). And it's the just that's the sticking point.

We're just not sure that we'll be able to afford IVF, an interest-only loan on our block, and gradually, our house, and rent until we can move into our house - which could be longer than a year.

Oh, and our trip to Japan. Er. I might have forgotten to mention that. Long story short, amazing Jetstar sale, cheap flights, we've both always wanted to go and never been, figured that before kids+house it might be nice, and before we knew it, holiday was booked. One still has to organise his passport. I should remember to nag gently remind him about that later. We're leaving towards the end  of October, and spending just over three weeks in Japan (I am super excited. I have a special Japan song I sing to One sometimes when I remember we're actually going).

I think we've come to a bit of a decision, though.

We have our initial IVF appointments on Friday, and then on Saturday we're going to drive to Williams Landing and see if we can get some hard and fast numbers to do some calculations with.

But. At the moment, it's looking like we might buy a block in the next release (around November-ish), which should mean our block is available to build on by January, the house is done by June and we can move in. Theoretically. We could buy a block now and start building in a month, but then they'd be building while we're on holiday, and because both One and I are control freaks want our first house to be perfect, we're not entirely comfortable with that.

Having said that, to make it easier for us (and because that means we're probably stuck with housemates for another year), we're more than likely going to postpone IVF until the end of the year or the start of the new year. We'll make a final decision after Friday, but this is (unfortunately) probably the most sensible decision.

I have a little time to lose some more weight, we can (hopefully) get a house sorted out, and - don't get me wrong, we're not going to stop trying naturally, we're just not going to help things along with IVF either. 

I hate this decision and myself with my heart, but my head is resigned. This is why I can't have nice things; I am way too logical. And also panicky.