Muffled voices

I have been procrastinating a while on posting. I'm not sure why, it's not like things go away if you just ignore them. 


I did that a lot growing up as a kid, pretended the uncomfortable things, the lying in bed with hot wet eyes, wishing I was dead, the lack of any friends and the bruises on my legs from the boys in my class just didn't exist. I don't tend to be real good at dealing with confrontation, you see.


So. The gyno told me that I was perfectly normal, I was ovulating as expected and she was really impressed by my weight loss (18 kilos to date, wooo - aiming for a total of 20 in the year since I started this diet-and-exercise thing). Just as I was getting ready to be told that we should go forth and procreate, she mentioned that there had been some irregularities in One's semen analysis and she'd like to repeat the test.


Apparently he has good total sperm numbers, but not very many normal sperm. Where a "normal" (for a given definition of normal, a couple with no fertility problems) have a 20% chance per cycle to conceive, with One's current "normal" sperm numbers being what they are, we have a 3 - 5% chance.


He's repeating the test in the next few weeks.


 I did have to stifle a few giggles over the list she ran through - "Does he smoke?"


"No."


"Drink?"


"Not frequently. Maybe - a beer or two a week and an occasional glass of wine?" (You would think for someone who loves to homebrew as much as he does, he'd drink more beer, but anyway).


"Uh - you should make him start wearing boxers."


"He already does. Plus, he's lost about ten kilos recently too."


"Well, that's definitely good. Does he take hot showers or baths?"


"Actually, no. He hates the heat - that was part of the reason we moved here from Perth."


We didn't end up reaching any successful conclusions. We'll see what the results indicate from the next tests, and then I guess we'll decide what to do from there. She did say we could leave it to chance, but as a scientist, I am not so fond of that idea. I know that 95% is generally considered a pretty statistically significant number, and, well, that's the chance of NOT getting pregnant every month that we have...


That means that the first thing we get to try is IUI. I - am not actually sure about this. I was all ready to deal with using ART if it was because I was infertile somehow. I was expecting a little more time to get used to it, I guess - kind of a "okay, well, we'll put you on Clomid and see if that helps and then we can start looking at other options," kind of thing. Instead,  it feels a little like we're leaping into this, and because I am a planner and a worrier (and am already worrying about ridiculous things, like what if our baby is bullied at primary school? Will I know? Will I handle it better for them than my parents did?), I can't help but fret about it. 


I suppose I also feel a little resentful. It was supposed to be my fault that we couldn't have children, and now apparently it's not. Mentally, I'm not prepared to cope with this. I was all ready for it to be my fault, and I'd researched the most likely pathways we'd take to try and fix it, and I was all prepared for that journey - and now we're embarking on something that is superficially the same journey but is in reality completely different. If that makes any sense at all. Sometimes I feel like I'm just babbling on randomly.


--


In other news. To change the subject. One and I realised on Monday that we have exactly the same amount of weight - 23 kilos -  to lose to reach our goal weights, so we decided to challenge each other. The person who reaches their goal weight first (we're not setting a time limit on this, we'd rather be  healthy about losing the weight; all bets are off if I get pregnant before either one of us reaches our goal weight) will take the other person away on an all-expenses paid, surprise long weekend! 


It seemed like a great idea and then I realised that we have joint finances anyway... Regardless, I am determined to win - given, I have a slight advantage for the next four weeks or so as One has stuffed his knee and has been advised not to do any cardio or weight bearing exercise, so he can swim and do some upper body weight work, but that's it.


I may or may not be slightly competitive.


And then my sister moved out last weekend. I've lived with her for most of my life - I think in total, we've lived together for 23 years? It was time, although I was hoping we could put it off for another six months or so, but I think she's made the right decision (but I am still horribly jealous of the friend she's moved in with and I miss her like crazy).